Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ouch.

Oh, crap.

That's kind of how I feel today. My brain just keeps going, "Crap. Crap. CRAP. Craaaaaaaaaap." Did you know there are about 30 different ways to say the word, "crap?" There totally are. 

I went to see my neurosurgeon yesterday (which in itself wasn't a great thing), and I need to have back surgery. Again. I have to say I expected as much when I went in, so I'm not surprised, per se, but I am disappointed. And a little scared. 

OK. A lot scared.

When I had surgery the first time, I was actually looking forward to it. I was in so much pain, and it was only going to get worse. I had to put off the surgery six weeks because I was pregnant, and it felt like the longest six weeks of my life. I walked with a cane like I was 90 (although my 92-year-old grandmother doesn't even use a cane), and I counted down the days till I was free from the pain.

This time? Not so much. There are a couple of reasons for this:
  1. I have a kid now. Yes, it's scary to think that something might happen and I could die on the table and not be around for him. Apart from that, how am I going to care for him post-op when last time I wasn't even allowed to pick up a gallon of milk? Lifting a 30-pound toddler will be frowned upon, I'm sure.
  2. I recovered pretty well from my first back surgery. I didn't have any residual nerve damage or anything. All I can think of is that the more times I'm opened up, the more chances there are for something to go wrong. There are a lot of nerves in my spine. I don't want my surgery to be a reenactment of a lousy bomb disarming scene: "No, don't cut the red wire! Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhh!"
So.

I got through the last surgery OK, as did my son. I have a great neurosurgeon. God has clearly been with me thus far, and he gives no indication of throwing in the towel anytime soon. So why can't I just "let go and let God," as the saying goes?

I dunno.

Wait—I do know. Because this is totally out of my hands. There is no possible thing I can do to make this better. Everything about this situation falls into the hands of God and my neurosurgeon. I mean, I can opt not to have the surgery, but I still can't do anything about my condition. I have no choice but to rely on others to take care of this for me.

Why are we loathe to give up control of something we have so little control over, anyway? God's the one who can fix things, never me. God's the one who created the whole—well, everything. He got me through the last surgery. He'll get me through the next one. He has so much strength and power, and he's just waiting for me to let him use it. Well, no. He's God. He can do whatever he wants, regardless of what I think I let him do. It's more he's waiting for me to call on him to use it. He's more than willing. He's waiting for me to wait for him.

Psalm 27:14: Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

In the meantime, I guess I'll have to pray for that peace that passes understanding. Because sometimes there's nothing else to do but pray and wait for the Lord.

4 comments:

  1. Rachel, the unknown is scary. Praying the Lord will give you peace and recovery. When is the sugery scheduled?

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  2. Thank you, Karen. The surgery is schedule for the morning of Nov. 12.

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  3. I'll be praying for you! (and your Dr. :)

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  4. Praying for you, Rachel!! I definitely have a tough time with giving up control,too. I know He'll give you peace and courage.

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