I love my family. I have a wonderful family. God gave me a wonderful husband and a beautiful son, and I love both of them very dearly.
My husband and I have recently been talking about adding to our family. Now, we don't have a specific timeline for this, but we thought we'd like a baby next year sometime. In the fall. Specifically, September. Then our family birthdays would be August-September-October-November. Wouldn't that be great? Hitting that September window would be tricky...
But I digress.
I had an MRI on my back Tuesday. I've got a disc fragment that's doing it's own thing and is squishing a nerve that makes my left leg pretty much numb. Excellent! I have to go see my neurosurgeon.
Here is how the two tie together: I had back surgery in 2008. While I was pregnant with my son. It was the first week of my second trimester, they took all kinds of precautions to make sure they used the right anesthesia and didn't use an x-ray machine. My surgery was fine, and I had a perfect baby boy. No problems.
I've had problems with my back ever since. Not major ones, just stiffness, soreness. A few rounds of physical therapy. Nothing major.
But going to see my neurosurgeon again? Major.
My back is a source of frustration. My son is a source of joy. When it comes to what our family looks like, I trust God implicitly. He's already done a good job. I know our family will be fine because I've seen his work there. I approve.
My health—not so much.
It's easy to trust God when things work out. The hard part is trusting him when things don't work out. Trusting him when life doesn't turn out the way I think or hope it should. Can God heal my back? Of course he can. Can he make sure my neurosurgeon makes the right decisions and does a good job caring for me? Of course he can.
So why don't I trust him? Why don't I just tell him how I feel and assume he'll be all awesome and take care of things? That's his job, isn't it?
Because I'm human. Because sometimes I can only see what's right in front of me. When I don't get the result I want, I assume God doesn't want to work with me on that issue. Sometimes I'll even stop praying about that thing altogether. I decide what God will or won't do by my unwillingness to talk to him about it.
Who am I to decide what God's going to do?
It's like I've put God into a little box, and I'll only let him out on things I trust him to handle. Things he's already done well in the past. But when I think he's unpredictable, he's under lock and key in that little box.
That's some crap. Honestly. Trusting God means trusting him regardless of what we want our outcomes to be. Trusting that he's got a bigger plan for all of this than our shortsightedness can imagine. Knowing he can handle all aspects of our lives, not just the ones that appear easy or the ones that are "God-sized." There's nothing he can't handle, and nothing we can't trust him to handle.
I've got to go. I have something I need to unlock.