Monday, January 10, 2011

Sad/Happy

I had to go to a funeral this weekend.

The woman, Peggy, went to my church. She sang in the choir (as I used to—that's how we met), and always stood in the front row. She sang with so much heart—a real reflection of her joy in worshiping God. She was a snazzy dresser. I'm not sure I ever saw her not smiling. She was always so sweet to me, and especially to my son. He even let her pinch his cheeks! Quite an honor, since he doesn't like that very much.

It was a sad/happy funeral. Have you ever been to one of those?

We were all sad to lose her. It was very sudden. She wasn't sick or anything. Just one of those shocking things that nobody was ready for. We would certainly rather have her here than, well, not here.

At the same time, we were all happy for her. We all knew she went right to the front row of God's choir. And someone at the funeral said, "Right now, she's teaching that heavenly choir how to worship." No joke. The choir sang, which was a nice tribute—and a nice way to show people how to worship and be thankful in the face of grief.

Thinking about Peggy and her life (and death) naturally made me think about mine. I'm sure she wasn't a perfect person, but it just seemed like being good came naturally to her.

Me, not so much.

I admire Peggy. She was (and is) so loved by so many. I'll bet I couldn't find someone who'd say a bad thing about her.

Me, not so much.

How long does it take to be an awesome person like that? Does it take years of practice, or do you have to be born that way? It feels impossible! It feels like my personality at this point just doesn't lend itself to my being a well-loved person. People might say, "Rachel was funny!" or "Rachel was smart and interesting!"

At least, I hope they'd say those things. At least.

But, "Rachel was the most wonderful person I've ever met! So loving! So godly! What a gal!"

Not likely. Not at this point.

And I've got a lot of work to do before I'll make it to that point. Knowing someone like Peggy gives me hope that maybe she was imperfect at some point and grew into a wonderfully amazing, loving, well-loved person. Maybe I can grow into that, too! But that's not what I am right now.

Sad/happy.

Sad I'm not there. Happy I have the hope of getting there. Sad that it might take a lot of work. A lot, lot, lot of work in some areas. How does one start such improvements? Hmm.

3 comments:

  1. I am sorry about your loss.

    Sometimes we have no clue what is going on within others.

    It is possible that Peggy had doubts about herself too and also thought that you are someone she would like to emulate?!

    Thou shalt not judge-even yourself.

    You are voicing your love and belief in God. Not a lot of us are so brave to do so.

    Give yourself a hug and remember, you are the daughter of a King!

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  2. I think deciding to change is a good step.

    But, I also think that we are always so much harder on ourselves than we are on others.

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  3. I'm not sure if what you're feeling is guilt, but I struggle a LOT with guilt and I really like what I hear Joyce Meyer say a lot; "I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!" :) Hope this encourages you!

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