Friday, February 25, 2011

Friendly Friday: Thoughts for the Road...Less Traveled

Today's Friendly Friday star is Angie from Thoughts for the Road...Less Traveled. I'm surprised that she's a new blogger—she seems like a pro! Her posts are always very insightful and honest, and she's really got an amazing heart for God (especially considering her past, which she shares a little of with us here). She shares lots of really great scripture, and she still manages to be entertaining!

Hmm. Things I need to work on.

I can really relate to what she shares here today. So please show Angie some love here, and then head over to her blog to read some more of her fabulous, thought-provoking, inspiring writing!

If you're interested in posting for Friendly Friday (and I know you are!), shoot me an e-mail at TheLazyChristian@yahoo.com!

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I am so happy for the honor of guest posting today. Rachel has become an inspiration to me, a new blogger. When I asked what she wanted me to write, Rachel told me to share whatever I had been struggling with lately. I thought about that for a few minutes—seconds really. I knew exactly what my struggle has been lately—and always. As far back as I can remember.

Control.

I know I struggle with it. I know I desire to have it—more of it, all of it—all the time. Can you sense why this may be an issue for someone who wants to be fully surrendered to the will of God? I feel like Gollum (from Lord Of The Rings. I frequently show my NERDness with these sorts of illustrations) when he gets all crazy wide-eyed at seeing "THE RING," and says, "We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us!" If you have seen the movie, you know that this little creature goes straight-up berserk when he loses that ring.

That is how I feel when I am not in complete control of any given situation. I can rationalize (rational lies) this compulsive need if I try hard enough. I was married to an abusive drug addict that tried to kill me—frequently. So to someone who had no control over whether they were getting beaten or held hostage, control can seem like something they want to get and keep.

More recently, my controlling ways have kept me directly outside of God's will. I served as a worship leader at my church for two years, then stepped away from that due to stress, a bit of a burn-out, and feeling called into another area of ministry. For a few weeks, I was blissfully happy not having to deal with people not showing up to practice, finding songs to sing, putting together PowerPoint presentations, etc.

Then there was this gnawing ache within me. I felt like my puppy died. I was mourning the loss of a ministry that God had gifted me for. I will not deny that I needed a break, time to gather my thoughts, focus on my relationship with God, restore my soul, and renew my love for music and worship, but I do not believe He intended for me to quit the position like I did. Now it has been a couple of months, everyone is asking me when I will sing again, and one of the leaders that took over for me left our church. I can feel God leading me back to the worship team. I called up the pastor, he seemed thrilled at the idea, and spoke with the group I used to lead. Great! They wanted me to come back! I went to church the next day feeling pretty good, happy to get back into the swing of things, and discovered that my team is following another leader. (Can they even do that?) My role is being filled by someone else. She is arranging the practices, selecting the music, and—dare I say it?—telling me what to do!

*sigh*

I actually went home that night, after telling them that I wasn't ready to come back after all, and told my husband that if I couldn't be in charge, then I didn't want to play—errr, sing. As soon as the words left my lips I was so ashamed. Lord help me, I know that this isn't about me. I do not want my life to be the "Angie Show, Starring Angie!" I want to live as a humble servant whose life reflects Christ.

Humble—wow. Isn't control all about pride? I don't want that. I don't want any part of it. I know what happens after pride shows up. Control is something that you can never have enough of, like an addiction. I am going to have to surrender (relinquish control) of my control issues to God and live every day trying to kick the habit. I guess this means that when I show up for practice next week I will be eating a big fat plate of humble pie.

And I intend to relish every second of it.

5 comments:

  1. Powerful post! Congrats on your first guest post! It is a good one!! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing not only your struggle, but how God is bringing you through it and the lessons He is showing you. I am the kind of person that likes to be in control, but doesn't want the responsibility. Ew...wonder what that says about me, lol!

    And thanks for introducing me to a new blog to follow!!! :)

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  2. I think control is about pride in some ways but for some, I think it's innate to be a leader.

    Rachel, thank you for your comment on Shell's blog. I hope the 1,500 sf thing didn't come off snotty. I just have ALOT of shoes to house ;)

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  3. It wasn't snotty at all! I just think it's funny that 1500sf is a TON of room in NY and like the smallest house you can get here. lol

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  4. I have the same trouble with fully surrendering to God. I'm glad to read about other experiences with this, especially as it relates to the dynamics within a Church. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

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  5. Oh, you are totally singing to the choir here. I always feel so ashamed when I realize that my desire for control includes a lack of trust that God knows what is best for me. Thank you for giving me something to think about it here.

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