Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Grumpy with God (Revisited)

In January, I posted about being grumpy with God. In that post, I said I'd never been grumpy with God myself.

Strike that. It happened Sunday.

Sunday morning—

Wait, let's back up.

Saturday afternoon, I was asked to do a monologue for Sunday morning (yes, I shared with you ahead of time—I wrote it, and I figure stuff I write is fair game for my blog). The idea had been tossed around, but not decided, so I had just a few hours to memorize the monologue. I was freaked out at first, but I got it under control and had the thing memorized and ready to go.

The first service was great. Well, not great. I got the thing out and only missed one line. That's great in my book. I prayed hard that God would carry me through it, and he did.

Then came second service.

I prayed again that God would carry me through, since did such a smashing job the first time. But then I got onstage and my mic wasn't working. The mic pack itself was on, so whether it was malfunctioning or I wasn't turned on at the soundboard is still up for debate. I had an awkward moment while I fiddled with the thing (which I typically don't do) and then something started to work.

I thanked God. Yes, he was going to carry me through again!

And then I had no idea what to say next. Not. A. Clue. I made something up. I went on.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving. It was me on the ginormous screens next to the stage. The camera feed wasn't working first service, so this was new to me. It was in my peripheral vision and terribly distracting.

Again, I forgot what to say next. I made something up. I think I may have even skipped to the last few lines (which were the ones I had trouble memorizing to begin with) just to get myself off that blessed stage.

I was embarrassed. I was mad that my mic didn't work and that no one told me about the 20-foot-tall me, and I was mad that I messed up so horribly. I know that hardly anybody knew what I was supposed to say, but there were pauses so pregnant that they could have belonged to Octomom. I went home and sulked.

Then I had to stop sulking and go to the grocery. That's when the pain came in. My back with its ruptured disc, which God has so miraculously healed, started to hurt so much that I almost needed to call my husband in to rescue me out of the middle of the grocery. I ended up going through the checkout, and the ladies behind me were nice enough to empty my cart for me. A Meijer employee helped me put the bags in my trunk. Then I had to cancel plans with a friend so I could ice my back and try to forget about the most painful shopping trip ever.

What a day.

The only thing I could think of was, "God, why did you let me fail? I asked you nicely! You've carried me through before! And what's up with my back? I tell everyone how awesome you are because you healed it, and now it's messed up again. It doesn't make sense! I've been giving you all the glory for it—why would you want to mess that up?"

I know how awful all of that sounds. And how ridiculous the idea is of God trying to mess up my testimony. Why I assume God should do whatever I tell him to do is beyond me (and thanks to Rachel for pointing that out). He's not subject to my every whim, nor should he be. That's what makes him God and me Rachel.

I don't really have a lesson in all of this. I can't tie it up with a neat little bow today and tell you that I've got it all figured out. I don't. In fact, I think I kind of gave God the silent treatment today. So if this is the worst blog post you've ever read, you can put the blame squarely on that choice. My choice.

Oh, wait. I guess I did learn something. Just now. While writing that. Which means it's not entirely thought through, but...

When I'm angry at God, it's all me. My choice. God's not angry. God's not giving me the silent treatment back. I'm choosing to be grumpy with God. Choosing to think he didn't want to help me. So I can also choose not to be grumpy with God. Choose to wait for him to show me his reasoning. Wait for the miracles that could follow Sunday's episode if I'd just give him a minute to let his plans play out.

So that's what I'll do. I'll assume Sunday's awfulness is going to a good cause.

There's your bow, people.

13 comments:

  1. You know, Rachel, God does still uses our weaknesses for His glory. I mess up on a regular basis and get grumpy...just to find out that my "mess" was a testimony to someone else who only saw my efforts as ministry - they didn't see the mess! I am praying that as we offer our meager efforts and broken lives before Him, we will see the beauty in the ashes.

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  2. Me and hubby were just talking about this the other day, being angry with God, and frustrated...especially when you're doing everything "right". I think it's called "human", lol!!! It's a good thing He knows we are but dust, isn't it?

    By the way, I know EXACTLY how you feel, re: the monologue thing. I've had days like that when playing violin. I was mortified the first time I realized (via a photo)that when I'm playing with that thing shoved up under my chin, it gives the illusion of me having a DOUBLE chin. ACK! I don't know why, but it is what it is, I suppose. For awhile I was self conscious about it but then I just had to let it go or else I'd be tormented.

    I'm sure you did fine! We always think we did worse than what was actually communicated to the audience! :)

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  3. Seriously don't we all do this...I did it right God...Why didn't You show up? Oh, but He did show up, just differently than we thought and planned He would so that He gets even more glory than our pathetic attempts to work it out for Him...

    YIKES! I am that girl...Praying my grumpy turns to trust in His perfect plan regardless if it messes up MY perfect plan...

    Thanks for the reminder!

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  4. I love the idea. I did a post of choosing to be happy the other day. It is your choice to take it all in stride or let it bleed onto other things. I like the line... going to a good cause.

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  5. What a hard lesson to learn! Again, and again, and again in my case. But aren't you brave for even trying! So many people wouldn't even have the guts to do the writing, get up on the stage and try. That's amazing in and of itself. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. I think it's normal to get grumpy with God...because we're HUMAN. All sinners, all human. It's not a great place to be but it's also not something to beat yourself up over. It's like my son freaking out because he doesn't want to put his coat on - silly because I will get my way - but I know he needs to vent his frustration so I let him and then we move on. I think that's kinda how it is with God and us. He lets us vent a little, then accepts our apology and move on.

    Clearly, I'm still learning this stuff too.

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  7. This is fantastic. I get grumpy with God way more than I should. It's a daily struggle, especially when things keep happening. This is a fabulous perspective, I so needed to hear it today.

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  8. @KLZ

    You know, I saw my relationship with God a lot more clearly once my son was born. You are totally right...our child throwing a fit because he doesn't like to be held a certain way or doesn't get the snack he wants is like us throwing a fit because God didn't "give us" what we needed.

    My two cents anyway :)

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  9. I tell you what, I am SO amazed at how God is sending me in the direction of people like you! I never used to surround myself physically or technologically with anyone that was a fellow believer/follower of Christ. Within the last few weeks I have done just that all the way around. NOw I get the pleasure of reading posts that not only speak to my heart, but open up my eyes wide to some of my 'Lazy Christian' ways. Thanks so much for your words, or shall I say, thanks for listening to HIm!
    Can't wait to see you @ She Speaks 2011.

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  10. I'm actually surprised that this was your first time being grumpy with God. It's happened to me a lot. But, I think as long as we talk it out with Him and not let it eat away at us, God is aware of it anyway.

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  11. I appreciate honesty and transparency especially when I can relate so well to the situation. Thanks

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