Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Under Attack

I didn't really want to post about this because I find it kind of embarrassing. But sometimes a gal just needs to ask for prayer. So I'm going to.

Because I think Satan is all up in my grill. And he chose a weird thing to get to me.

Stage fright.

I've been on stage acting or singing or dancing in front of people since age five. I've never been afraid of it. I mean, once in a while I get butterflies, but nothing serious. But my anxiety has been increasing over the past few months, and all of a sudden, the stage (at church only, it seems) is the last place I want to be. Which is weird.

This past Sunday, I was supposed to do a scene at church. It wasn't a difficult one—just a scripture reading between the verses of a song. I've done things like this before. But when the script appeared in my e-mail, my stomach turned. I showed up to rehearsal on Thursday and I thought I was going to throw up. Then I started bawling in front of everyone who was at rehearsal—and that was before I'd even spoken a word of the script! Mostly because I didn't feel like I could speak a word of the script. My heart was gripped by fear, and it felt like that fear was also squeezing my lungs and my vocal chords and whatever else was going to get the words out. 

It. Was. Awful.

Thankfully, one of my friends was able to pick up the scene for me at the last minute, and she did a phenomenal job. But it was embarrassing to have to tell anyone that I couldn't do it, that I was afraid to perform. My friends in the Worship and Creative Arts Ministry know this isn't typical for me, though, so they were understanding and, frankly, worried about me. Which I appreciate. A lot.

Now, I won't pretend that I'm an anxiety-free person. I've been known to worry and to get anxious about some things. However, acting has never been one of them. It's one of my favorite things to do. I get up in front of thousands of people a little less often than once a month to perform, and I've been with this drama ministry for almost five years. Anxiety has never been a problem.

The only thing I can think of is that I'm under attack. And this isn't the first time Satan's chosen me or our drama ministry for his attack. 

Satan is such a jerkface.

It's been mentioned that maybe it's God telling me to back off from the drama ministry for some reason—a couple have my friends have offered that up as a possibility. And at first I thought, "Gee. Maybe. But that kind of came out of nowhere, then."

And then I realized that God doesn't send debilitating fear. 

God wants us to fear three things, essentially: him (Luke 12:4-5), Satan (1 Peter 5:8), and judgement (2 Peter 2:4-10). It's one thing for him to speak to my heart or make me feel uncomfortable. It's another thing to be gripped by fear and find myself unable to use the gifts God's given me to bring him glory. Especially regarding a ministry than can be exceptionally powerful. That doesn't sound like God. Now, who does that sound like?

So, if you think of me, I could use your prayers. Satan needs to back up off me. I don't know why he's giving me a hard time all of a sudden, but at least I recognize that it's him this time. That's a step in the right direction.

Thanks in advance for all of your prayers!


  1. I don't think you should interpret the events as a sign to back off ministry. Not that I'm an expert in the area of signs, because I don't go that route, but I just would stress that you shouldn't get let fear get in the way of something you love, something you're good at, and something that you find spiritual satisfaction in. Hang in there, Rach - you'll get your groove back.

  2. No backing down! Satan has been attacking because what you are doing is giving honor to God. Jerkface doesn't like us lifting God up and he hates prayers more.

    I am proud of your transparency and blessed to pray for you.
    Our God is bigger than Jerkface!

    Love ya!

  3. I agree. He's a jerkface. Tell him to back off or else you'll open a can on him. :). Praying for you!

  4. Lots of prayers headed your way. How about focussing on how great your friend was and how you gave her an opportunity to shine?

  5. PS thanks again for the posting. Just having a rubbishy day and it really helped.

  6. Block him with the word. Remind him of his future. I will pray for you though. God bless, Tracy

  7. This is not God directing your life in my humble opinion.

    Ephesians 6:10-20 Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

    Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming missiles of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

  8. I can 100% empathize with you! My college degree has the word "performance" in it and I battle performance anxiety. I agree with what Sober Julie posted: Ephesians 6:10-20 says it all. Stand firm in the Truth of who you are in Him and this powerful gift He has given you!

    Blessings to you and believing for a breakthrough in this area! Usually an attack like this is a sign of a breakthrough on the horizon.

  9. I won't sit here and write for days because that's not going to do you any good. What I am going to tell you is this "You did the right thing asking for prayers." I will pray for you right now, because we all need a little help now and then.

  10. This is my first time reading your blog and I would love it if I had something insightful and deep to say right away. But honestly, my first thought is to tell you that I laughed out loud when I read, "Satan is such a jerkface." I'm STILL laughing, actually. And I totally agree. By the way, I think it's an attack also. But now, you have me all other anti-jerkface believers reading this, in your corner. You can do it. And I'll be back to read more of your blog posts. :-)

  11. @Dianna Hobbs Oh, Diana. As long as you don't expect anything deep and insightful from me, I won't expect it from you. :) But I'm glad to know you!

    And thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement, and especially for that chunk of scripture, Julie. I really needed that.

  12. Love your honesty...when a girl needs a prayer, she needs a prayer! Love that you called Satan a jerkface. That is what I am going to refer to him as from now on!

  13. @Leah @ Beyer Beware I honestly don't think God has a problem with that title, either. I'll bet God would call him a jerkface, too...

  14. Def not God leading you to leave the ministry. Fear like that has to be jerkface. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind.

  15. Rachel, when we feel the oppression from the evil one, God is allowing it. God absolutely wants to teach you through the adversity, and I know that means pain and overwhelming feelings. But He is there, and He is a loving Father. This is definitely an opportunity to lean into Him and learn about total dependence on Him, especially since being on stage has come so easily for you up to this point.


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