Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Unwanted

Really? Did the date on that last post say October 31? Yikes. Sorry about that.

The good news: The baby is coming along just fine! The bad news: I can't seem to shake the morning sickness. Or all-day sickness, rather. Along with daily migraines, this hasn't been the best pregnancy I've ever had. You know, of the two.

But I'm feeling terrible for not blogging for so long. I still think of post ideas, but feel too (physically) lousy to do anything about it. So I'm going to try to blog once a week, minimum. It may not be much, but it's just enough to assuage the guilt without making me feel worse. Hold me to it, somebody!

And this one is going to be a little long. We have some catching up to do.

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As some of you may know, my husband and I already have a son. He just turned three, and he's hilarious and adorable and smart as a whip. Sometimes too smart for his own good. But I love him dearly, and he's very excited about being a big brother.

Before we got pregnant, we just assumed we'd have another boy when the time came. My husband's family is all boys (never mind the fact that mine is mostly girls), and I feel like such a "boy mom" now, so we just figured we'd have two boys. Plus, you know, I already have all the clothes and stuff. Clearly, a boy was the only option.

Then, after we got pregnant, it occurred to us that there was a possibility the baby could be a girl. I mean, it's pretty much 50/50, right?

So, naturally, I started freaking out.

My mom died when I was very young, so I have all sorts of unresolved mother/daughter issues. I was a tomboy because I wanted to do everything my dad did. What would I know about raising a girl? Heavens! I'm not prepared for that! Clearly, God understands that and would not give me a girl. I told God that the deepest desire of my heart was to have another boy. Whatever he did with that information was up to him, but I wanted him to know it.

We had our ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving. I was counting on being thankful for a boy the next day! The baby moved and kicked and wiggled around on the screen. I hadn't felt any of that yet, so it was good to see it dancing. And then the ultrasound tech tried to determine the gender.

The little one had its legs closed. Super tight. Hopefully this is an indicator of future modesty. Despite all the dancing and wiggling, that baby would not spread 'em for the tech to take a good look. The tech tried multiple angles and pushed and prodded my belly in a hundred different ways to get that kid to move.

And then it did.

And the tech said, "Congratulations! It's a girl!"

My husband and I looked at each other in shock. And I'm not going to lie—I cried. I cried like a baby. Over this baby. This baby I was so hoping would be a boy. That whole evening, when I called my friends and family members to tell them the news, I cried afresh. And every time I cried, I felt a wave of guilt.

She's healthy! I thought. Isn't that the most important thing? I'll figure out how to love her, I'm sure! I have several months to figure it out!

And then came church the following Sunday.

The pastor mentioned an event in India during which 285 girls who had been named "Nakusa" or "Nakushi"—which means "unwanted" in Hindi—had their names legally changed. They had been so named because their parents wanted boys and ended up with girls. Every time someone spoke to these little girls and called them by name, they heard "unwanted." "Hey, come here, Unwanted One."

And then I shed a few more tears.

I felt so guilty! How could I—for even a second—make this child feel unwanted? How could I do that? Not a great start to parenting her, I daresay. Who knows? This little girl may grow up to be a future world leader! A writer! A woman in ministry who changes lives! And I wanted to take a pass on her? Just because I was scared?

I now have a new favorite Bible verse:

When it came to presenting the Message to people who had no background in God's way, I was the least qualified of any of the available Christians. God saw to it that I was equipped, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities.  - Ephesians 3:7-8 (The Message)

God had a plan for Paul. Paul felt sorely unprepared for the task God set in front of him, but God gave Paul the tools necessary to get the job done. I have to remember that God has a plan for me, and part of that plan is now to be a mother to a little girl. He will equip me for it. Even if, right now, I feel like I'm the worst possible choice for the job, God will make sure I don't screw it up. Heck, he may even get me to like the color pink one of these days.

But even for God, that may be a long shot.

Is there something God's calling you to that you feel ill-equipped to handle?

6 comments:

  1. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's often more difficult to bond with the second child...especially when things don't progress as you had planned. You are so used to being mother to your first born...a boy. Now this other baby is going to come and change your whole dynamic. It takes some adjusting and that's perfectly normal. I think that's why God makes babies so dang cute. Because I promise that it's temporary and before you know it, you will be in love with her and won't be able to imagine your life without being a mother to a boy AND a girl.

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  2. I'm glad to see your heart being shared again! :D I have missed it!

    Now...wow...yes, God does work His purpose His own way. Lately, I've been saying "God has a sense of humor" concerning our little guy. Up everyday at 6:30AM (EST or EDT...doesn't matter)...and we're nightowls. You'd think we'd learn by now! haha Not!

    One thing out of this I've learned? While He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 23:7), He will give us more of what we need (to meet our hearts) rather than what our minds want.

    I wanted a boy...and while I got it...the first time around. What I didn't want? All the things that having a boy would draw out of me to change me. For example, concerning the sleeping deal above...God knows I do best early in the morning, but my desire is to always stay up late and enjoy some of my quiet time. The crazy thing is...in just a few short years...I will have more quiet time than I truly want.

    The whole point I'm leaning to make here is that God has something amazing planned in store for you with this little girl. Something amazing is going to change in your heart & life to grow you deeper in Him as she enters your lives. There is a great healing on the horizon for you in this area. Don't beat yourself up with guilt, otherwise you'll miss out on the blessings He has in store for you. :) Remember, guilt is only meant to stay for a moment of time to prick our hearts enough to get out attention that it draws us to conviction. Don't live in it...otherwise it will pass onto her. Pregnancy hormones loooove to play with our minds...you know that. ;) And being sick on top of it doesn't help matters any, I know. I lived most of my 2nd trimester with daily migraines...not fun! I empathize!

    Take heart my friend, this is going to be an amazingly wonderful journey! I am excited for you, and what God is going to do in and through you in this moment...and for the many moments hereafter!

    And I will take on some of that responsibility to help you stay accountable to your writing, if you'd like. ;) Let me know! I am also always here to provide encouragement to you, Rachel. I adore you my bloggy friend, and I am praying the best for you - always.

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  3. Also, I mistyped the scripture reference above...it is Psalm 37:4...I've lacked some sleep the last few days. haha

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  4. Great to see you back! Congrats on a girl!

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  5. Great post, good to read you again. I dispense with the girls are great platitudes. God is redeeming you through a chance to mommy a girl. It's cool to be scared. Fear is a paralizer or a motivator I think you learn toward motivator. The cool part is when we are afraid and don't know what to do we are in a place for God to do something stunning. Brace yourself He won't let you down.

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  6. It is so wonderful to hear from you again! I've missed your posts! I remember with my second I had weird emotions like that, too. I was terrified I wouldn't love the second one as much as I loved the first one. Those pregnant hormones are insane!

    Welcome back!

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