Friday, March 30, 2012

Remembering the Lasts

I've been counting the days until the end of this pregnancy. I've been sick, I've been in pain, I've been anxious, I've been afraid, I've been exhausted. Now I'm in the home stretch—less than four weeks to go until my daughter arrives.
My tiny human isn't so tiny anymore.

And it makes me sad.

You see, we don't plan on having any other children after this. So, unless God's got some surprises in store for us down the line, this is the last time I'll be pregnant. Granted, it's the last time I'll have morning sickness and the last time I'll have to go through labor and delivery. But it's also the last time I'll feel a baby move inside my belly. It's the last time I'll get to anticipate the arrival of one of my children. It's the last time I get to call my husband when he's out and say, "Please bring me home a milkshake! I'm playing the pregnancy card!" It's the last time I'll lug this ginormous belly around with me, feeling tubby and surprisingly adorable at the same time.

We often think about firsts—first steps, first words, first kiss, first baby. I hate thinking about lasts. Do you think about them? The last time you'll ever do something. How many lasts have I already passed? Sometimes we don't know a last is a last. Like the last time I saw my grandmothers. I had no idea they'd die before I got to see them again. What other lasts have I experienced without knowing it? Last time I'll visit a place, last time I'll see a loved one?

Boy. Since when is my blog this depressing? Let's lift this up a bit.

There are some other, better lasts I've experienced. My last blind date. My last day of high school. My last chili dog (trust me on that one). And there are things that are hopefully my last: last back surgery, last heartbreak. I'd like those to stick.

Faith has brought me a lot of good lasts, too. The last time I feared Hell. The last time I felt utterly alone in the world. The last time I felt helpless and hopeless. The last time I felt truly lost. The joy associated with those lasts is immeasurable—I'll keep them, thankyouverymuch.

So I guess not all lasts are depressing. And I may look back on this last and be grateful that it's the last time I'll be this uncomfortable. The last time I'll have to share my body with a future Rockette. The last time my organs will be accosted by a tiny human.

And I'll always remember the first time I see my daughter's lovely face.

Do you ever think about your lasts?

6 comments:

  1. My last weeks of my pregnancy with Gracie I had a lot of similar thoughts...

    Good reminders.

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  2. I do think about lasts. But probably more in the depressing way. In fact, we're not planning on having any more children, so I keep thinking about the lasts with my youngest and it makes me a little sad. *sniff* Which in turn makes me think... ARE we done?

    As I read your lasts regarding your faith I was thinking, "How do you know they're your lasts?" I mean, how do you know you won't feel alone again? (I'm not being facetious! :) I only ask because I've been struggling a bit lately and am looking for advice. :)

    I think it's great that you feel adorable right now! Rock on, Sister! I always felt AWFUL when I was prego. *shaking it off*

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    1. I'm sure I won't feel alone again because when I feel separated from God, I know that it's me moving away, not him. He doesn't really go anywhere---it just feels like that. There are times I might feel lonely when it comes to my friends or my family, but that deep, aching loneliness I've felt in the past? Nope. I know now that it was really a loneliness for God, not just for company.

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    2. Thanks for responding. :) You're totally right. If we feel lonely, it's us that's moved. Thanks!

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  3. There is a children's book about the lasts... I read one page and cried so hard I got the snotty cry. I myself find thinking of this from time to time. But I never thought about the positive side of things. Like I never have to take my driver's test again (prayerfully) and never have to worry about a prom date anymore! ;)

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    1. Oh! PROM! Jeepers. Yeah, that's a good last. Heck, it wasn't even a good first. lol Now I just have to worry about my daughter's prom. I hope dresses have more fabric by then...

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