Monday, February 4, 2013

Alive at Last

Hi. My name is Rachel. It's been more than three months since my last blog post. 

In case you're the type who likes photo updates...
Where were you for three months? you ask. I wish I had the answer. I shared with you that I've been dealing with postpartum depression since the birth of my daughter last April. It feels like the last year or so is a fog out of which I'm just now emerging. I'm not sure how my daughter is nine months old already; I'm also not sure how most parents live through their child's fourth year. My son has suddenly lost his mind. A million dollars to the person who finds it!

I also feel like I've been in a spiritual fog. God has had to carry me through the PPD, but all I could do is let him. I couldn't talk to him, couldn't acknowledge him. The last few blog posts were pretty much a miracle, considering the state of my soul. I must have been provided a few lucid moments for those. I still have some bad days, but most of them are good right now. Praise God for that!

I don't know if it's because I was so spiritually unresponsive or in spite of it, but I am going through a season right now that has never happened in my life:

I crave time with God.

I just want to snuggle up next to him all day long. I wake up singing praises, I go to bed singing praises. I long for my quiet time with him. I'm happy to get up early to spend time with him.

Me. Up early. I'm going to have to change the name of this blog, aren't I?

My husband has asked me how this started, since he'd love to be in this season, too. I have no answer for him. Perhaps my soul went without nourishment for so long, it's starving. That's kind of what it feels like. I don't recommend the starving part, but the hunger for his company is incredible!

So that's where I'm at right now. Perhaps I'll start writing more; perhaps not. Perhaps my readership has abandoned me entirely! Perhaps you're in a season right now that has you craving time with God more than anything (even more than blogging). If so, I'm grateful you understand my heart right now.

Have you ever gone through a season like this? Do you want to? If you don't have an answer to either of these, just tell me how you've been!


  1. Abandon you?! Never! :) Glad you're feeling better. I had a really hard time after both of my girls were born. Maybe it was PPD.. I don't know, but it sucked regardless. Completely understand.

    I don't know if you're always like this, but I'm the same way--I seem to pull away from God when I'm going through a difficult time and I feel really close to Him when everything is going well. I think that's contrary to the majority of people??

    I'm glad you're in a better place; a place of truly desiring closeness with the Lord. What a great place to be! Sometimes I wonder if we just don't HAVE to go through those low points to get there. Glad you're back.

    1. When I'm going through rough times, the thought of having to keep up my relationship with God is so exhausting. I have to know he understands my heart and that he loves me even when I can't show it well.

  2. Oh dear friend, of course we won't abandon you. I have been in valleys and on hilltops too and it sounds like you are coming out of a dark valley and walking toward a sunny hill top. Waking up and going to bed singing praises is a good sign. Being a mom is hard work and I am sure you are a blessing to your kiddos.

    1. Thanks, Terra! You can't abandon me, anyway; I know where you live! :) Looking forward to your next letter!

  3. What a blessed day when you realize you're through the PPD fog! I remember it all too well...

    Glory! I am so happy and relieved for you.

    May I offer up a tiny tidbit of advice? IF you have been on medication to help you through, do NOT decide that this new season is an indicator that you can/should go off. Rather, stay on the meds for 6-12 months WHILE feeling good, so that there's time for your brain chemistry to "re-set." Too many people ditch the meds as soon as they feel normal, only to set themselves back into the depression.

    Love you!

    1. Thanks for that excellent reminder! I'm in no hurry to ditch the meds---I know the stories of women who have done that all too well. And I sure hope I don't remember this well. Or at all! Blergh.

  4. Rachel,

    I'm peeking back in, and appreciate your honesty. May this sweet season of craving God intensely fill you up, spill out, and nourish you deeply!

    Jennifer Dougan

  5. Hi there found your blog by accident after googling Christian bands that sound like Florence and the machines :)

    Then read this after seeing the picture of your daughter, since we are having our first child on the 5th of April ( a boy we naming Connell James ) anyway I am in South Africa and we pray that you will get through this.

    Deuteronomy 31:8 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

    Hopefully we crossed paths for a reason

  6. Thanks so much for your blog! I am a lazy Christian mum of a bright 20 month old boy! I am finding life tough at the mo and it has all come to a head today. I need motivation to get up and do chores but they bore me! And due to sickness (me shingles, boyo conjunctivitis and yet another coughy cold) we haven't been able to socialise with other mums n toddlers for the last week and it looks like this one too! So I'm in a valley, feeling sorry for myself. I have been told by hubby i should only go out 3 times as week as i don't clean house enough, but spend all day out at groups. This is true but i do it for both me and my son as he can't get everything from just me and our 4 roomed house! And I'm lonely and need other mums to chat with n encourage me and me them! But God has been drawing me back to Him. i really appreciate your blog being so honest and real and encouraging...thank you!

  7. You're an unending blessing to us, on your best days, and on your hardest. You are a delight, a reality check for those of us who work hard at not acknowledging our failings : -) If you never write another word, you've made a difference in a way many never will. Linda


I wrote the thing. You read the thing. Don't be too lazy to comment!